if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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