You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
