i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
