It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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