just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
