I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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