So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
whose parrot is this?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
