He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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