Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
