Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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