We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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