If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
