6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
