your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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