I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
