dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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