Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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