I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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