your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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