chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
