Sober January is a disaster.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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