I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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