Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
