I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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