But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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