Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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