I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
