oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
