Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
