I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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