ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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