I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
