hotel room ftw
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
