And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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