is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
