I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
