Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its liver damage thursday
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
