If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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