Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
