He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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