I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
