I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
