i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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