I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
