there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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