Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
