I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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