Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
