I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
