'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
