wakey wakey hands off snakey
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
