maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
3 2 1 whiskey
I am naked and annoyed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
