No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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