...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
