update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
