Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
