Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
