Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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